Oregon Cycling Magazine

by Mark Lansing

Dear YHIHF:

A couple of months ago (YHIHF May 2008) you suggested that blowing my nose was a cheap and simple substitute for a bicycle bell (to warn others of my approach), but I can’t seem to make much nasal noise.  Any tips?

Dainty

Dear Dainty:
Slide your thumb and forefinger down the bridge of your nose until they hit the fleshier part of your nostrils, then pinch gently, and when you blow firmly that schnoz will flap and echo like the jowls of Jabba the Hut.  Slightly disgusting we know; but if you think that’s lame, keep reading.

Happy Father’s Day.

Ever heard of it?  No, it is not a celebration for dads everywhere.  It’s the third Sunday in August. Only happy fathers get to participate.  Pass the word.  On a different note…

We just drank some juice marked as “orange-passion fruit” that was mostly apple juice.   So says the fine print—and the taste buds.

What is this world coming to?  Want to contact the guys at Tree Top Juice, ask about this blatant misrepresentation?  Try 1-800-542-4055.  So says the larger print.

But do you really want to call, with all those other (potentially great) uses to make of your time?  And what of the poor schlubs at Tree Top?  Putting in those long hours at the orchard—who can blame them for twisting themselves into pretzels just to interject the word “passion” into what they produce?  On a related note…

Is anyone else beyond weary of marketing designed to foster fear in order to create product demand?

“Are you or someone you love frequently forgetting things? It could be an early sign of Alzheimer’s disease.  Contact your doctor and see if [what we sell] might help.”  So says one TV ad.  But with the exception of that rare soul who literally remembers everything, people forget stuff all the time.  That’s how we make room for new entries.  Yet dread of Alzheimer’s could certainly motivate consumers to buy products and services.  Just like profit inspires advertisers (which in turn propels all this fear mongering).

Medical product advertising is the worst offender.  Another ad campaign targets genital herpes sufferers, attempting to convince them that they can transmit their disease to others at any time, even though traditional wisdom holds that herpes is contagious only when the afflicted are experiencing an outbreak (i.e. once infected, occasional recurrences can pop up throughout one’s lifetime, there being no known cure).

Twenty-five years ago Uncle YHIHF contracted this condition, but never passed it on to anyone else.  Now these panhandlers say there is some drug he should have been taking daily for the last quarter century because it is “possible” to transmit herpes at all times, not just the rare occasions when symptoms surface.
If this drug costs one dollar per day, he would be out ten thousand fat ones by now.

And speaking of by now, by now some readers may be wondering what this has to do with bicycles.  Not much, really.  A few years ago they were marketing saddles with “cut outs” for men by claiming that male riders would become impotent without one.  There is your cycling angle.  But sometimes, to borrow from Armstrong, it’s not about the bike.

YHIHF usually writes about the Tour de France in July, but we’re miffed by its failure to invite Team Astana and homeboys Levi Leipheimer and Chris Horner this year.  Call it a perhaps pointless protest (bonus reward if you can say that fast three times). YHIHF may be emailed at lansingatlaw@rvi.net.

Possibly Related

• September 2007: The best bike for NE Oregon
• September 2008: Ride the Rogue draws the crowds
• September 2006: Dave Campbell interviews George Hincapie
• September 2008: Stop or yield
• July 2008: Citizen prosecution of dangerous drivers